We buried my husband yesterday.  I don’t ever want to have to do that again.  I don’t ever want to grieve love again.  Why does that keep happening.  Love isn’t meant for me.  I don’t understand. Sitting in the front row it hurt so bad.  Watching J.C. going up to talk about Travis tore my heart out.  Talking about how great of a man was lost.  I know he was wonderful, amazing, one of a kind man.  I wouldn’t have let him meet my children.  I wouldn’t have let him be part of my life if he wasn’t an amazing man.  You are not telling me anything I don’t already know!  I am so angry that he is gone.  I want to scream my head off!!! I loved him so very much.

I am in our house.  I can’t believe he is not going to just walk in the door from the lab.  We should be drinking coffee in our chairs in the living room.   We should be listening to the radio playing from the garage.  I want to hear the weights clanking.  I really miss our coffee time.  Coffee will never be the same.  Why is life so unfair.  Artists are tragic.  Why the @)*% did I want to be an artist.  I can’t help it.  At the moment I don’t even want to paint.  Where is my muse? My inspiration? Morning Pages help get the junk out of my brain.  They put the frustrations on the page and out of my head.  This blog is my therapy.  I don’t care if anyone ever reads it. Does it even make sense?  I don’t care.  I going to stop caring about anything but my kids.  This blog sucks.  Now that I have it I don’t even know what to write. YUCK.