I don’t get to pretend that Travis is out of town.  I get to sit here and look at a empty chair.  He was part of my everyday life.  Death created a giant whole in my life.  Now I have two giant holes to walk around. I’m unbelievably angry that my life has turned out this way.  Travis wasn’t the first husband I lost.

I lost Shan eight years ago.  We met when I was a senior in high school.  He was a junior.  We were the two oldest people in an algebra class.  He and I fell in love very young.  We were together for ten years.  We had two beautiful girls ages one and two when Shan died.  I thought my life was over.  I thought who would want me with stretch marks and a post pregnancy tummy.

Seven years later I met Travis.  I would look at his gorgeous muscly body.  He wouldn’t like for me to say that, but it is true.  I would ask him “Why do you want me?”  He would tell me how beautiful I am.  He loved me for me.  We were out for a run one time.  I was probably talking about my fat legs.  I just remember him saying.  “When are you going to get over that? You are gorgeous.”

I know that the title says morning pages. Maybe it should just be pages.  I’ve been adding on this all day.  It really helped me today.  I even got up, showered and went grocery shopping.  No makeup today, but my husband just died.  I’m aloud some off days. Right?