Dear God, Why Did I Wear Mascara Today?

I’m scared about probate. I’m scared about seeing my in-laws. I’m scared that the judge is going to tell them they can come in and take Travis’s things. I don’t want them coming into my house and taking things. I want things to stay the same. I don’t want Travis to be wiped clean from our house.
 I already feel like he was just a dream.   Like the life we had was just a glimpse of what true happiness could be. Writing this right now feels like the knife is right back in my chest.  The grief is back. The probate hearing is bring all the anxiety attached to Travis’s parents and sisters right back. 

I don’t think I can sleep tonight. I just keep thinking of all the bad things that could happen. It is like my brain is preparing to argue. When I am in an argument I am so stunned by the things the other person is saying. I for get how to speak. I just want to get out of that situation. If I could hide under a rock right now. If I could hide for just a few months. If I could make this all be a bad dream. If I could just wake up. It is not a dream. This crap is my life. 

I want to ask God why. Why do the girls and I have to do this again? I just want something in my life to go right. You know the typical family with a mother, father and kids. That all died the night Shan died. Travis couldn’t even fix that for us. It was broken when God took Shan. It will never be perfect. We will always be alone. 

I am mother and father to my girls. I don’t know if I can be strong enough for them. I don’t know if I can be what they need. I’m just not  enough. 

It has been a week since a posted a blog. I’ve been doing good. People have been telling me they pray for my peace.  I told someone today that I think God hears those prayers, because I have felt peaceful. I’m accepting that Travis is gone. The girls and I have our new normal schedule down. I’ve had to ask for help getting R to soccer and B to dance at the same time. I’ve even been keeping busy having lunch with friends. 

By the end of the day I felt the grief setting in. I wanted to get in my pajamas and hide under a blanket. I decided that I don’t want to grieve this time. I’ve already done that and I don’t want to go back.   My motto is Keep Moving Forward. There is no going back. 

I still have to be mommy.  Mommies don’t have time for a breakdown.   We have to go to soccer practice and dance at the same time.  Luckily, I have made some friends in our small town that will help.   Last year Travis took one to soccer and I took the other to dance. I felt so good to co-parent.   I finally had help.  Divide and conquer!   Now that is all gone. I am a single parent again.  That really sucks! 

I’m a chauffeur again. Running around begging for people to help me. I don’t like asking for help. It gives me anxiety. I want to do it all.  I want to be Wonder Woman. The fact that I can’t makes me irritated.  I don’t feel like I am being a good mommy right now. 

I went to school to be an artist. I used this training to calm my mind today. I had my daughter who is 11 years old scribble on some watercolor paper. Then I painted what I saw in the scribbles. My 11 year old did the bird at the top. My 9 year old scribbled the next one.  I scribbled on the 3rd picture. My 9 year old painted the screaming people. I think art helps me to relax. It helps me think of something else. It calms my soul. It does the same thing as writing. 

Julia Cameron teaches us in the book the Artist Way to go on Artist dates. You spend some time by yourself. One time I went to the park and drew elephants at the Zoo. Another time I went to a art store that I had never been to. There are not many that I have never been to.  

It is time to start going on artist dates again.  I need to start taking care of myself again. 

I am having a hard time being in the house my girls and I shared with Travis.  I see signs of him everywhere.  I miss him.  He is in the chairs and the bed.  In the kitchen at the table.  I can’t even go out in the garage.  Travis was a powerlifter and a welder.  All of his welding and powerlifting equipment is in the garage.  I guess it is good that he gave all of that to his dad and his friends.  I don’t want it gone yet.  I like it there but I don’t want to go look at it.  It is too painful.  I guess it doesn’t make sense.  To want it here but not want to look at it.  It just feels comforting to know it is here.  Like he is out there.  It is just stuff.  It is not him.

I gave most of Shan’s stuff to his parents.  The girls and I kept some.  I know they will want it some day.  They can say this was my dads.  I don’t remember him, but this was his.

Don’t you wish you had a magic ball to see what God has in plan for us?  I don’t see how loosing the two loves of my life could be good.  People keep saying that there must be something good coming up.  I thought Travis was the good thing to come in our lives.  I thought he was in our lives to be a good dad to the girls and a husband.  I would look at him with the girls.  I would think we are so lucky.  My dreams had come true.  A family was my dream, but the family doesn’t look like what I thought it would look like.  I guess the family is just me and the girls.  Husband and  daddy just doesn’t work for us.  Don’t we deserve one?  Are we worth it?  Dear God, why do you take them away?  This life is so hard.  I don’t understand why.

I don’t know where I am in grief.  There are five stages.  Denial is the first stage.  I don’t think I am in denial.  I know Travis is gone.  He is not just on vacation.  For the widow this is the shortest stage.  You lived together everyday.  The absence of your spouse noticed daily.  You can’t pretend that they are just at work or on vacation.  You have to deal with the pain every single day and minute.  Even if Travis and I had been apart we would have been texting every second of the day.  That is most defiantly gone.  He is gone.  I am very very mad about that.

I think I am in the second stage.  I have been angry for some time.  It is not fair.  I already grieved a husband.  I already suffered my stages of grief.  I already rebuilt my life from ashes.  Not only my husband, but two of my best friends.  Now here I am again.  Angry at the world, Travis and God for putting me and my girls in this situation once again.  When I go to heaven my first question for God is WHY!  I want to know why this second pain was necessary.   I seems a little redundant.  You Mary Beth do not deserve love.  You deserve pain.  You deserve heartache.  I am so mad!! I want to hit something.  I want to break things against the wall.  I want to run into traffic.  I really want to die too.  It isn’t fair.  Why am I here?

My girls are the reason I am here.  My purpose is my daughters.  I know this.  I want to be here for them.  Don’t start to worry that I am going to kill myself.  I could never do that, because I want to see the face of God.  I want to bow down before Jesus.  I want to see the light that shines from His face.  Life is just so hard.  I look around and think that girl next to me has it all.  She hasn’t had to deal with the  death of a husband.  She gets to live with the love of her man.  I am so jealous.  I am jealous of people who will be married for 50 years.  That will never be me.  I would have to have a physical every month from the man I marry.  I would want to know that they do not come from a crazy family.  So that is not going to happen.  I can’t trust a man to stay healthy.  It isn’t Travis’s fault he got sick.  It wasn’t Shan’s fault he got sick.  I am just angry that they left this world.  I am in the anger stage of grief.

I don’t think stage three is for me.  I think I already bargained with God when Travis was sick.  I don’t under stand why stage three is bargaining.  I think I may skip this one.  You don’t have to go in order.  You could even back track. This is something I remember from the last time I grieved a husband.  That is a stupid sentence.  I shouldn’t have to do this again.  Really?  How many people do you know that have been widowed twice in their thirties?  Widowed twice before they even turn forty.  Not many I am guessing.  Yep! I am up there in stage two still angry.  I think I will be there for awhile.

The forth stage is depression.  I don’t think I ever truly got out of this stage.  It got better.  I got off antidepressants a few years ago.  When you have lost the two greatest loves in your life.  The father of your children.  You just stay in the depression stage.  I am not going on antidepressants this time.  I am going to find other ways to fight depression.  Like gardening or running.  Running helped when Travis was sick.  I need to take that up again.

The fifth stage is acceptance.  I think you jump back and forth on this stage.  You can’t stay here if you really loved the person you lost.  It is really hard to accept death.  Maybe I say that because I have faith.  I know I will see all my loved ones again.  I have faith in God.  Just keep moving forward.  It feels like the worst rollercoaster you have ever been on.  Just hold on.

Spring Break might just have to be full of night pages.  Our mornings have been pretty busy.  My daughters and I went to brunch with my sister in-law Kelly and all my nieces and nephew.  Then to the Science Museum.  Spring Break is not the best time to be at any museum or zoo! It was the craziest place I have ever been.  When the girls were little we would go during the week.  It wasn’t busy at all.  I miss those days with my babies and my mom’s group.  I thought I was busy then.  Ha!!! I was not busy at all!! Now I am busy with homework, house work, soccer and dance.

I need a job.  Now that I am a home owner.  It would be nice to go somewhere during the day.  It would help to keep my mind busy while the girls are at school.  It would make me even more busy.  Busy isn’t a bad thing.  It keeps me from thinking about how I have lost two husbands in eight years.  How I have to take care of my girls and my self.  Last time I think I concentrated on finding another husband to take care of the girls and I.  This time I need to take care of us.  I need a career.  I need to go back to school.  Get my masters in Art History.  Maybe even my doctorate.  Do I do that in Noble or in my home town?  I feel like I need to go back home.  Be closer to my family. Let my family help take care of us.  No! I have to take care of us.  I can’t be in Noble without Travis.  The reason I went to Noble was for Travis.  To be closer to his job.

I don’t even want to think anymore.  I don’t have time to have a breakdown. I should be depressed.  I should be in a ball rocking in a corner depressed.  People would understand if I was depressed.  I lost two husbands.  I really don’t have time for a breakdown.  So I just keep going with my happy face.  I can make it until tomorrow.

I have discovered that I have a hard time writing when my kids are home.  When I am home by myself my brain goes crazy with worry.  When the kids are home.  They keep me so very busy.  You would think since they are nine and eleven parenting would be easier.  It wasn’t just them today.  We have been staying at my parents during Spring Break.  It is a comfort to have my mom and dad close while we are grieving Travis.  When Shan died we spent six months with my parents.  When the kids were 1 and 2 it was easier to be away.  Now we have school and have to be home.  It is difficult to be in my house right now.  I did have to go back to meet Sleep Number Bed repair man.  We have only had the bed since October.  I shouldn’t all ready have to have it fixed.  I also had to meet my father in-law to get a copy of the will.  The bright spot in my day was my girls and my niece Avery.  Avery makes me feel a lot better.  Her smile and laugh make my heart happy.  Tomorrow the girls and I are going to the Science Museum with my sister in-law Kelly and her kids.  Then we will go see some friends who have dinner for us.  I am so lucky to have a large family that loves us.  So many friends that care for us.  Maybe I won’t be too tired to write tomorrow night.  Maybe I get up early to write? I don’t think that will happen.  I like my sleep.

7:15am- I’m doing okay this morning.  Today the pain in my chest is a little less.  It may be the pep talk with a good friend this morning.  I’ve learned I need to talk about my problems.  I also need to write my problems down.  I know Julia Cameron’s book the Artist’s Way has helped me.    Maybe I need to go have an artist date.  I could go to the park and draw trees.  Chloe needs to get out as well.  I don’t know how many times I can say it writing helps!

8:00am-  Another thing that helps is digging in the dirt!!! There is something about being outside.  The smell of the dirt that clears your head.  I may go out and clear out my gardens today.  Grief is like a roller coaster.  Some days you are fine.  Others you just want to hide under a blanket.  Those broken pieces of your heart just want to fly away. Today I feel positive and want to fight that depression.

8:46-  I got ready for my walk, but now I am having anxiety about walking out the door.  What is wrong with me.  I feel fine one minute.  Then I fall into one of those wholes left by my husbands.  What the #%* Stupid roller coaster!!! I want to get off!!!  There is a nervous feeling in my stomach.  I want to throw up!  I think I get like this when my daughters are gone.  I need them as a distraction.  I need another pep talk!  Just go outside.  Stick your hands in the dirt.

2:51pm- I made it outside to dig in the dirt some.  Then I went to visit one of my few Catholic friends in town.  I walked to her store where she made me a shake.  She gave me another pep talk.  I need these pep talks to throughout my day.  God knew what people I need in my life.  Then I walked over to City Hall to pay my utilities bill.  I love that I live in such a small town that I can just walk all over.  The girls will be home in 15 minutes.  They keep me so busy that I don’t have time to just sit and think.  Thank you God for my girls.

I don’t get to pretend that Travis is out of town.  I get to sit here and look at a empty chair.  He was part of my everyday life.  Death created a giant whole in my life.  Now I have two giant holes to walk around. I’m unbelievably angry that my life has turned out this way.  Travis wasn’t the first husband I lost.

I lost Shan eight years ago.  We met when I was a senior in high school.  He was a junior.  We were the two oldest people in an algebra class.  He and I fell in love very young.  We were together for ten years.  We had two beautiful girls ages one and two when Shan died.  I thought my life was over.  I thought who would want me with stretch marks and a post pregnancy tummy.

Seven years later I met Travis.  I would look at his gorgeous muscly body.  He wouldn’t like for me to say that, but it is true.  I would ask him “Why do you want me?”  He would tell me how beautiful I am.  He loved me for me.  We were out for a run one time.  I was probably talking about my fat legs.  I just remember him saying.  “When are you going to get over that? You are gorgeous.”

I know that the title says morning pages. Maybe it should just be pages.  I’ve been adding on this all day.  It really helped me today.  I even got up, showered and went grocery shopping.  No makeup today, but my husband just died.  I’m aloud some off days. Right?