I am having a hard time being in the house my girls and I shared with Travis.  I see signs of him everywhere.  I miss him.  He is in the chairs and the bed.  In the kitchen at the table.  I can’t even go out in the garage.  Travis was a powerlifter and a welder.  All of his welding and powerlifting equipment is in the garage.  I guess it is good that he gave all of that to his dad and his friends.  I don’t want it gone yet.  I like it there but I don’t want to go look at it.  It is too painful.  I guess it doesn’t make sense.  To want it here but not want to look at it.  It just feels comforting to know it is here.  Like he is out there.  It is just stuff.  It is not him.

I gave most of Shan’s stuff to his parents.  The girls and I kept some.  I know they will want it some day.  They can say this was my dads.  I don’t remember him, but this was his.

Don’t you wish you had a magic ball to see what God has in plan for us?  I don’t see how loosing the two loves of my life could be good.  People keep saying that there must be something good coming up.  I thought Travis was the good thing to come in our lives.  I thought he was in our lives to be a good dad to the girls and a husband.  I would look at him with the girls.  I would think we are so lucky.  My dreams had come true.  A family was my dream, but the family doesn’t look like what I thought it would look like.  I guess the family is just me and the girls.  Husband and  daddy just doesn’t work for us.  Don’t we deserve one?  Are we worth it?  Dear God, why do you take them away?  This life is so hard.  I don’t understand why.