I’m scared about probate. I’m scared about seeing my in-laws. I’m scared that the judge is going to tell them they can come in and take Travis’s things. I don’t want them coming into my house and taking things. I want things to stay the same. I don’t want Travis to be wiped clean from our house.
 I already feel like he was just a dream.   Like the life we had was just a glimpse of what true happiness could be. Writing this right now feels like the knife is right back in my chest.  The grief is back. The probate hearing is bring all the anxiety attached to Travis’s parents and sisters right back. 

I don’t think I can sleep tonight. I just keep thinking of all the bad things that could happen. It is like my brain is preparing to argue. When I am in an argument I am so stunned by the things the other person is saying. I for get how to speak. I just want to get out of that situation. If I could hide under a rock right now. If I could hide for just a few months. If I could make this all be a bad dream. If I could just wake up. It is not a dream. This crap is my life. 

I want to ask God why. Why do the girls and I have to do this again? I just want something in my life to go right. You know the typical family with a mother, father and kids. That all died the night Shan died. Travis couldn’t even fix that for us. It was broken when God took Shan. It will never be perfect. We will always be alone. 

I am mother and father to my girls. I don’t know if I can be strong enough for them. I don’t know if I can be what they need. I’m just not  enough.