Dear God, Why Did I Wear Mascara Today?

I had my first week at my new job teaching art.  It started out with the eclipse on Monday.  It was so inspiring.  We did an eclipse project in all my classes.  Even the little littles did an eclipse project. They all did a great job!  I am so proud!  I have Pre-K – 5th grade in my art class.  It is such an age range I was so scared.  The picture above is what my older kids did grades 1st-5th.  This student did a fantastic job.  She followed my instructions perfectly.              The picture above is what my Pre- K and Kindergarten kiddos did in their class.  I continued the lesson all week.  So, all the kids would have a solar eclipse project.  At the end of the week. I started working on a still life with my traditional students.  Next week all the older students will start a charcoal reduction still life.  I some black fabric so I can set up a fun still life.  Please pray that I can stay up beat and peppy for my students.  I want to be the class they look forward to the most.

On Thursday I planned my second week.  Loading up my cart with supplies for next week was so fun.  Writing it all down in my planner and up loading it on the website was so satisfying.  It felt good to be ready for next week.

On Saturday we went to my oldest daughters soccer tournament.  My mom joined us.  She was so much help.  I don’t know what I would do with out her.   We stayed in a hotel swam at the pool and ate a continental breakfast.  That was not good in Weight Watchers points.  The girls won all 4 games! I am so proud of my daughter.  She is so aggressive on the soccer field.  She does not get that from me!  It is truly a joy to watch her play soccer.  Sh loves it so much.  I would sacrifice all the sleep in the world to see the happy look on her face when they won.  She is my joy.  I am truly blessed.

This is not my picture, but inspires me. I just had this thought.  When I was in the shower.  Now it’s gone.  I’ll just type until it comes back.  I was reading in a FB group about widows and widowers.  They were talking about premonitions. Strange things that happened before their husband or wife died.  One woman was talking about how her husband saw lots of butterflies before he died.  He called his wife to ask her if she was seeing them.  She said “Maybe I’ve seen a few today.”  He said “There are thousands of them everywhere.”  That was an hour before he died in a work accident.  I had to tear myself away from them to get in the shower.

Then when I was in the shower. I had this thought that all this happened to wear me down.  Not just my husbands deaths.  All the upsetting things that happened before.  Those things are what the devil used to make me……bitter. To make me sad.  To make me not the happy go lucky girl that I ….was?  I need to get back to her.  She was fun, bubbly and silly.  She was optimistic about the future.  She believed in love.  God wants me to be happy again.  In the second that I had that thought.  I felt lighter.  I felt like the old me.

I have to fight the devil with my happy thoughts.  The bad sinking thoughts are the work of the devil.  When I relive the arguments or the bad times in my head.  The devil is winning.  That can’t happen.  I need to think positive.  Looking to the future is the only way.  My motto after Shan died was to Keep Moving Forward.  That needs to continue to be my motto.  It needs to be the first thing I see in the morning.  I need a sign over my bed.  I need a sign in my class room.  God wants me to spread joy not hate.  May be my other motto needs to be “Think Happy Thoughts” from Peter Pan. It is one of my very favorite books.  It also made me think of the prayer to the Archangel Michael. “Michael the Archangel.  Defend us in battle.  Be our defense against the wickedness and snares of the devil.  May God rebuke him we humbly pray; and do Thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Hosts- by the Power of God, cast into hell satan and all the evil spirits, who prowl about the world, seeking the ruin of souls. Amen” Thank you Michael for defending me from the devil.

I gained weight at Weight Watchers today, but I know why. 
1. I’ve been staying with my parents. I feel more at home here since my husband died. I think that = comfort foods. I’m not as mindful of what I’m going to eat.  Track, track, track is the key!!!
2. I broke my back 14 years ago. I still get have pain from this accident. This week has been really bad. I had to go to the doctor yesterday. They shot me full of steroids and a muscle relaxer. 😩 This can’t happen when I’m working. The last three days I’ve been like Frida Kahlo drawing from bed. She is such an inspiration for me. #artteachersofww  
3. The bright side!!! I just went on a small walk with my mom. I could only go around the block. I was exhausted😒 Just one step closer to feeling better. #justkeepmovingforward 

#artteacherin 

Today is going to be better! I actually feel like I cleaning. That might be because I’m on my third cup of coffee. Yes, it is 10:00 on a Friday. I am still drinking coffee.  That is about to stop, because I’m out of creamer.  I don’t feel like going to the store with my daughters. Hot tea is next.  

Yesterday I let myself fall into a hole.  I guess we all have days like that. They are getting farther apart. That may be because it has been two months since Travis died. I must still be in that fog of grief. 

I don’t remember two months after Shan died. I don’t remember, because I had a one and a three year old. This time I have beautiful nine and eleven year olds. They still keep me very busy. They just don’t need constant help. 

We do need to get out of the house. Where should we go? It needs to be something free. In the sunshine. Sunshine lifts your mood. Where? Maybe a park we have never been to.  I kind of want to go Geocaching. 

I know the girls will moan and groan. The preteen will want to stay home.  She never wants to move on to the next place. She wants to stay wherever she is. Right now she is snuggled up in her bed. We are all still in our pajamas. This is how we procrastinate. Then nothing gets done. Then it is 5:00 and we are still in our pajamas. So it is time to get up. Ready set go!

I’m fine all day. Until Travis’s friends, coworkers, students post something on Facebook. Now no matter what I do the tears fall. 

I try to stay busy. Being a single mother is time consuming. I’m not even a single parent. I’m a only parent. That is very different. Let’s get that straight. Tonight one daughter has soccer and the other has Girl Scouts.  There is no co-parenting. Even divorced parents have another parent that should help. That person for me is gone forever. 

I don’t even want to talk to anyone. Their problems seem so small compared to this. This woman from dance was telling me her problems with a stalker. I didn’t even want to listen. I’m a listener not a talker. I usually want to let people just talk. I can’t take anyone’s problems right now. 

I made friends with a woman at soccer who is a widow too. She is at soccer talking to all the other soccer moms. I don’t want to get out of my car. I want to be in my bed and under the covers. I want to get off this roller coaster of emotions. 

Tomorrow is Easter. The girls and I are staying at my parents, because I don’t want to play the Easter bunny alone.  I thought I was passed this point in my life. The part where I am a single parent. Doing the mommy and the daddy parts in this life.  

When Shan died. I learned that I grieve a holiday or a anniversary before the event or the day. I think it is more the anticipation of the day being bad. 

Tonight my brother and his family were here at my parents. David did nothing, but ask my mom what she wanted for Mother’s Day. It reminded me that Shan or even Travis isn’t here to think of things for the girls to do for Mother’s Day. Now I am back to not liking Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. 

It’s stupid to worry about these things. It goes back to wanting the dream family. The mother, father and the children. The husband and the father part are not meant for me. God does not want me to have that. I need to be happy with what I have, but I feel like that happiness was stolen from us.  I’m so angry. I’m so sad. 

I truly try to be kind to all people. I wanted to be Travis’s light in the darkness that is cancer.  I want to be a light to the world. I can’t stand when people dislike me.  I want to know why. So I can understand and be better. When people can’t tell you why. It drives me insane. 

It would be better if I just put them out of my head. Let them go. Pray for them. Give my problem to God. Lay your worries at the foot of the cross. It really helps to think that way.  

I get lost in my thoughts. Caught up in self pity. So much that my jaw tightens. I give myself a headache. Writing helps to get those bad thoughts out. Think how much money  I would save on pain killers if I didn’t worry.  Keep the image of laying the worries at the foot of the cross in my mind. Relax. 

We went to probate today. My in-laws didn’t speak to me. I don’t understand why. I’ve never got a very good answer why they don’t like me. Travis died. We didn’t get a divorce. They should be on my side. We are both grieving the same person. 

As a learned when Shan died. The in-laws grieve differently. They don’t live in a constant reminder that the person is gone. I look across the room and think Travis should be there. I go to soccer games and think Shan should be there. Cheering his beautiful daughter on. She looks just like him. I grieve for both my men everyday day. There are two invisible knives sticking out of my chest.   The pain dulls but it come back in full force. 

It comes back when I see my father in-law. It hurts to see them. Travis should be standing next to me in their kitchen with the girls running around. This isn’t the life I thought I would have. 

This is a new life. Where I am self sufficient. Where I pay all the bills. God says “You are not a damsel in destress.” Get up and fight. I hear him telling me to be strong. I hear Travis telling me to be a little better everyday. Stronger. Better. Start again.